So here I am awake and another sleepless night. I have been having way too many of these lately. I just have too much going on in my head and I can't lay down and listen to it all. I can't share with ANYONE all that is going on right now. I don't know if I can even comprehend myself all that is going on. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't even begin to let them show. I think if I let myself feel them I will lose control and not be able to get it together. I feel such an emptiness, such a huge hole in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. I don't think anyone can understand unless they have experienced such a loss. I know I didn't understand what my friends or family were going through during their loss. Even when I was feeling the loss too, my loss still wasn't the same as theirs. I can't imagine, still, the pain that others experience from other losses like that of losing a child or losing a spouse. I know as great as my loss is of losing my mother, I still can't imagine the pain my father is going through losing his wife of 47 years and his very best friend. My heart aches for him because of the loneliness he must feel. I know how lost I feel without Mom and I know he is lost even more. Everyone says it will get better with time but that emptiness will never go away. Nothing can fill that hole that is left in my heart. Time can't make that go away, time can only make us move on because time gives us no other choice. Sometimes I only want to remember what a wonderful mother and friend she was to me and other times I can only remember the things I feel bad about doing that let my mother down. Everyday I am at a different point of where I am with my feelings. Sometimes I am at several different points throughout the day. Sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I am filled with wonderful memories, sometimes I am proud, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am too busy to know what I'm feeling, sometimes I am happy, sometimes I feel scared, sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I am just numb. I guess right now it's obvious I'm just feeling very confused.